Yesterday, I was talking to my beloved about the feeling of not being enough. Have I done enough professionally? Have I done enough community service? Have I been a good enough sister, daughter, lover, friend, mentor, teacher, etc.?
Enough, when framed that way, is a hole. It’s a frakking bottomless pit. It takes all the mistakes, all the regrets and magnifies them until they block out the victories, and the laughter, and the personal triumphs.
I talked about an opportunity I wanted to pursue that I didn’t feel like I had done enough to earn. In my mind, I scrolled through my accomplishments and found them lacking.
I thought about friends of mine who I am so proud of, not just because of what they’ve done, but because of the people they are. And yet, I compare myself to them sometimes. And yet, I don’t extend the same courtesy to myself: that it’s enough to be the person I am, regardless of accolades I have or haven’t racked up.
I am your classic overachiever, and so I believe in setting goals for myself. I think it’s definitely okay to want. As a lifelong learner, it’s always been important for me to continue to evolve.
However, it’s so easy to feel like this award or that degree or this position is going to make all the difference. That, if you just achieve this or that, suddenly, you will be enough.
This morning, I woke up with more clarity. I felt more content in my being. Maybe tomorrow or two weeks from now will find me back at square one, needing to put it all in perspective again.
But today, I’m breathing a little easier, not judging myself so harshly. Today, I’m enough.